Sorry, I don't speak sober.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
