I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
