wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Randomize
