Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
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