I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
