I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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