I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
