Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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