I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i may or may not be watching the land before time
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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