I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
