Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
