you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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