not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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