My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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