Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
