I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
The air was thick with penises
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
