I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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