Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
