I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
