Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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