just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
