I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
