Will you blow on my dice?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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