How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
