I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
