oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
