I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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