Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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