If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
