Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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