dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
