omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
