I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
