if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I understand Curling. That high.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
