I think I died a long time ago.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
