i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
