so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
