Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
