Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
