too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
