I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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