Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
