that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
