I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
she peed on how many people?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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