my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
