Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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