how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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