I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
so let's talk penis.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
