guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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