my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
