i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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