On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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