my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
