somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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