when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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